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Clean Jokes

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives
the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is, that you end up at work.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to
rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

Q. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
A. It won't work and you can't fire it.

The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board
and then she said, "Timmy, how should I correct that?"
Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was
not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt,
he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk
stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
..."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."
..."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
..."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power...  A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do  you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them there are just some people that shouldn't own a computer!"


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