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As I contemplate retirement I've discovered a need to pass on
some of my Life Reflections
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves
your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no
pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is
an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When
I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If
are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it,
maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful
I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any
I'll have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy
Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan
Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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