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1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the
time to look.. For  example, I'm sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant
atmosphere and let the air out of  their tires.
6) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Remember the strong oak tree in your backyard
is just a nut that held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your
shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They
would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two ounce bag
of candy can make person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom.Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.


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