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(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Steven Seagal

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams


(5) "What do people mean when they say that the computer went down on them?" * Marilyn Pittman

(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. I f your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." *Bob Ettinger

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula Poundstone


(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness . . . I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." * Roseanne


(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." * Jerry Seinfeld

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" * Warren Hutcherson

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." * Mae West

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself." * Mark Twain

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." * A. Whitney Brown

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet," * Robin Williams

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne

(23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! * Dave Barry

(24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." * George Carlin

(25) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." * Author Unknown

(26) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

(27) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." * Drew Carey

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