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(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Steven Seagal
(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams
(5) "What do people mean when they say that the computer
went
down on them?" * Marilyn Pittman
(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should
treat it
like one. I f your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and
before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp." *Bob Ettinger
(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't
trying to teach you how to swim." * Paula Poundstone
(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through
my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness . . . I could be eating a
slow
learner."
* Lynda Montgomery
(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day
Sears comes out
with a
riding vacuum cleaner." * Roseanne
(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned
sixty, and that's the law." * Jerry Seinfeld
(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line
up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" * Warren Hutcherson
(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for
an
institution
yet." * Mae West
(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a
member of
Congress
. . . But I repeat myself." * Mark Twain
(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student.
At least they can find Kuwait." * A. Whitney Brown
(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to
rip out
a man's genitals through his wallet," * Robin Williams
(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." *
Roseanne
(23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you
a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that! *
Dave
Barry
(24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them
beaten." * George
Carlin
(25) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
peacefully
in her
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
* Author Unknown
(26) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get
a
headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep
away from
children"
(27) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at
the bar." * Drew Carey
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