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"Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your ass."

I can only please one person per day. Today is not
your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing
sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days
the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he
isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be
needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a
perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the
sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the
ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their
level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a
kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you
won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at
the end of the month than you did before.

The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are
going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and
carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without a stiff one, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 

How do you feel about Trump winning the White House? Excited. Scared. No difference

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