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Life Reflections
1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy
is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out
why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is
an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When
I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three of
them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of two
of your best friends. If they are OK, then it
must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out
bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you it's because they're
such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her
on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at
my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know
a cow
was murdered for that jacket?" I said
"I didn't
know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the
Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library,
the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton
Adult Bookstore.
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