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RAMBLINGS...........

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was
my blood alcohol content.

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they
know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on
it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you
start getting clothes for Christmas!

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the
same effect just by standing up really fast."

7. Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one
flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.

10. I have learned there is little difference in
husbands, you might as well keep the first.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
shithead's.

12. Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at
bowling alleys.

14. After all is said and done, usually more is said
than done.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am
perfect.

16. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones
she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so
quickly by just one busted condom?

19. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their
team is winning.

20. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a
sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

21. How come we choose from just two people for
president and 50 for Miss America?

22. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not
feeling well?

23. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

24. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.

25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

26. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair
like Don King.

27. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately,
there's a decimal point involved.

28. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

29. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know
where it's been ."

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